Confronted daily with various forms of violence in an inner–city neighborhood throughout his youth led Marshall Rosenberg to explore the causes of violence and what could be done to reduce it. While growing up, he witnessed the effectiveness of how his uncle and grandmother lived with compassion.
Marshall understood how to bring out people's compassionate side and focus on what was important to people. He focused on needs, which gave people clarity for compassionate care and to empathize without focusing on a label, like a name, religion, ethnicity, etc.
Inspired to explore what leads people to choose violence instead of compassion, he went to school and received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, and later became the founder and director of educational services for cnvc.org/ The Center for Nonviolent Communication.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) training evolved from Dr. Rosenberg’s quest to find a way of rapidly disseminating much needed peacemaking skills. He learned a way to teach individuals to give the training in their own community, work, educational, and political environments, and in their own languages, with the same positive effects. His work reminds us of our natural way of being in the world before we learned the habitual “fear-based” language. Today, there are more than 700 facilitators around the world. cnvc.org/learn/what-is-nvc
"Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being."
The author of this essay met Marshall around 1997, and was captivated by his unique ability to "cut to the chase" and resolve conflicts with humor and compassion. His work was so profound and life-changing that I promised him I would share his work and wisdom. (And, that I would “be nvc”: walk my talk with compassion and empathy.)
Years later, when I met Sylvia Haskvitz, M.A., B.S., R.D.N., she shared that in 1988, Marshall pulled out puppets to role play with her in a workshop she had cajoled her partner to attend. She describes her "aha moment when she realized that she did not have to fight about being right or wrong, Nonviolent Communication was about needs, which are universal." She realized that her heart and soul was about compassionate communication. NVC has been a significant and life-changing path on her own journey in partnership.
She enjoys supporting couples to connect in a more satisfying way. Her breadth of work also includes family mediation, customer service, educators, caregivers- all walks of life work with Sylvia to learn to communicate and listen with empathy and speak with honesty.
For more than 30 years, Sylvia’s extensive work has helped people world-wide, including the U.S., Germany, China, South Korea, Romania, Italy, as well as people in Palestine and Israel. She recently completed a five week trip in her travel trailer (On the road to NVC) where she offered NVC training and couples coaching in AZ, NM and UT. There is an upcoming nine day training October 6-15, 2023, in Idyllwild, CA, for facilitators, and those steeped in NVC. Other NVC workshops are scheduled for China in December 2023, Taiwan in March 2024, and Spain in 2024.
Sylvia shared that “the recent pandemic has changed how people are treating each other, and, it has not been in a positive way. Angst and upset have been stirred up during this traumatic time. People's responses and their mourning are ‘coming out sideways’, and she helps them connect with the grief they feel.” She states, "People lost years in school, many have had their mental health challenged, and their responses have resulted in stressed out eating and staying at home more. People tend to resort to old habits when they are stressed and forget all about newer learning to deal with challenges. The NVC process can support shifts from isolation to connection.”
Her work with food, nutrition, and NVC led Sylvia to author a book to help with awareness of choices, called eat-by-choice-not-by-habit: Practical Skills for Creating Body and a Healthy Relationship with Your Food, in which Sylvia explains "how emotional eating and disordered eating may be ways we are violent to ourselves. When we meet our emotional needs at our body's expense that may also be considered violent. When we shame, blame, criticize, or are silent when needs are up for us, Rosenberg would also define that as violence. As one of her clients stated, “Sylvia cares about what goes into peoples’ mouths and what comes out of them.”
Sylvia's work can also be found in an essay called "Enemy Images" in the book, healing-our-planet-selves-change/: The Power of Change Within to Change the World
She has also been a co-trainer in a program called, Teach for Life, a five day training that brought together teachers from all over the world. The training helps teachers decrease discipline time, and increase respect and trust and inspires a collaborative classroom where all needs are valued. Teachers learn how together, teachers and students can co-create guidelines and explore their needs in the classroom by asking:
How can we best learn together?
How would we like the classroom to work? and,
“What would have you dancing out the door at the end of the day?” (A quote from Rita Herzog, Sylvia’s mentor.)
Sylvia discussed how NVC is valuable in other ways. “Traveling is easy and joyful, thanks to NVC. Before family trips, she and her husband discussed how to co-create a satisfying vacation with their grandchildren, by asking:
How do we live together on this trip in a way that would respects the needs of each other?
What would make your life more wonderful on this trip?
We would like to give you each a certain amount of cash that you choose how you want to spend which will support our ease and your needs for choice and autonomy.
When we put our needs on the table, solutions appear. Our society usually works on strategy or solutions first, which creates conflict when we’re not connected to the needs of the people involved. If you acknowledge the needs first, I trust you will find ways to meet everyone’s needs. State needs first and work backwards from there.”
Sylvia and I discussed other ways NVC would be helpful, such as with homeschooling: parents and children co-create the curriculum. Other ways NVC would be life-changing: How do we have beauty, protect forests, wildlands and wildlife during economic development? (a passion and vision of the author of this essay)
One of the premises of NVC is that if we meet our needs at the others’ expense we are not really meeting our needs. How do we address the needs of others, hear what is important, and come up with resolutions that work for everyone.
“When we start with strategy, and believe there is only one way to meet a need, that increases scarcity, which triggers conflict and is often experienced as demand energy. When we experience a demand, our natural response is to resist.” Imagine governments, corporations and residents discussing needs together: money, resources, beauty, sustainability, truth, nature, art, and good- asking, what are our needs? Needs are something we can all connect to, universal needs keeps us connected.
Other ways we could utilize NVC, for transformation is in farming, including regenerative farming, agroforestry, health, seed collecting, and compassionate animal care, including providing pollinator and wildlife habitats. Safety, justice, cooperation and peace are all universal needs. Imagine all of us meeting our needs in these areas. (another focus and vision of the author of this essay)
Sylvia shares her guiding light in the following:
Imagine living in a world, where we trust there are enough resources for everyone, where competition is about being and becoming our best selves, where support and caring is the name of the game, and where I meet my needs in cooperation with yours, not at your expense. This language of compassion in speaking and listening is the world of Nonviolent Communication. I invite you to play in this world and explore your relationship with yourself, with others, and with power in your communication and the consciousness in which you choose to live your life.
If you are interested in learning more about Nonviolent Communication, Sylvia can be reached via email at silgiraffe@aol.com, or by text at (520) 419-2176, and for more information, cnvc.org/trainers/sylvia-haskvitz
The Center for Nonviolent Communication, cnvc.org/ Marshall's book, nonviolent-communication-a-language-of-life with 6 million copies sold, can also found on
nonviolentcommunication.com/ To learn more about Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD, visit: cnvc.org/about/cnvc/marshall
We learn when we listen to others and that builds a truly sustainable community.
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